In pisces water

let there be light...

2010-02-02T01:07:00.001-08:00

One evening a week or so ago I sat by myself in my bedroom quietly organizing some clutter on a bookshelf. At least that's what I was telling myself I was doing as I moved piles of paper and pictures from one pile to another, organization wasn't really present and neither was I. I sat slouched, a long sigh in it's visual form when suddenly I was struck with the thought/voice, "all you need is some sun. Everything will feel better once you get yourself in the light."

We've had gray, Washington state skies for weeks now. Usually I don't mind it, I know the rain is exactly what makes things green and healthy around here. I appreciate green, it's the color of life.

But it was the light...the light I felt like the sky brought just for me and my boys the next day that helped me once again appreciate the magic of my life.

Let's try this again...

2010-01-25T10:32:00.001-08:00

I've felt so disconnected lately, so detached from the beautiful moments of my daily life. My father-in-law has cancer, I blame that for my lack of presence in my household. My partner is stressed, the mood of the house rises and falls in a shift of stress and emotions and I...well I disappear. I'm famous for this really, detaching. it was a survival mechanisim at one point and now it's something I don't know how to turn off. I don't know how to get back. I'm going to try writing more again, it seems to ground me.
I have this tattered, smoke damaged picture of my mother I keep face down in a frame on the shelf in my bedroom. I keep it face down because I wouldn't want to be caught off guard by her eyes. I do pick it up from time to time though, ask her things, try to find pieces of myself in her face and to pray. I have it upright now, staring out at me every time I go into the bedroom, a reminder to be here in this life, to stay present.
I'm lucky to be here, lucky to be living this life. Lucky to have to only make effort to stay present. She doesn't get that oppurtunity anymore. I hope seeing her face every day makes a difference.

"Where did you come from and how did you escape?"

2009-11-01T16:10:00.000-08:00

Another writing exercise. I watched this sunset alone while staying in a hotel in Spokane the other day. The sky took my breath away, it seemed so vibrant and alive. I appreciate the moments of beauty that help me remember.
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I came from a place that can only be described as pure love. You came from the same place I did. I know this to be true because I can feel the memory of that place sometimes when I close my eyes, relax my shoulders, let out a long, deep sigh and force myself to smile until it’s real. There is a rapture, a sensation of goodness that starts radiating from my heart and washes over my entire body. You carry that same energy within you too, each and every one of us does. I’ve recognized the sacredness of that energy in countless faces and I’ve been humbled by those who have learned how to manifest that goodness, that gratitude, that love into their daily lives on a consistent basis. It’s a struggle for me, life seems to get in the way.

Being placed into the tiny child belly of my mother and than loosing both of my parents followed by my grandmother was how I began to escape the magic of where I came from. I’m sure everyone has their story, their own moments of darkness. As a child, I felt so alone and disconnected from everyone else. Without having a real home to belong to, a tribe to fit into, I felt as if I had been hatched. If no one wanted me, how was I worthy of being here? It’s in the darkest moments of my life that bits of light have snuck in through the cracks. Nature, the god in nature, the natural tendency for people to be kind have provided miracle after miracle when I’ve needed them the most. When the weight of loneliness has been too much to bear, a voice from the bottom of my heart has called to me, whispered just loud enough for me to really hear it, “Hush, go to sleep. You’re not alone. I am here.” In the times I’ve needed it the most, that voice has come through and offered me comfort. I will spend the rest of my life telling myself that I haven’t really escaped the place I came from. I will never stop reaching within myself for who I really am, who I’ve always been. I am here for love, to give it, to receive it. That’s my truth, that’s what I believe the point of all of this living is. To remember where we came from, to live it, to share it, before we ultimately return to it.

Remembering a moment of happiness~

2009-10-28T23:42:00.001-07:00

I was surprised that this was what first came to mind with the prompt, "Tell me about a time you were happy." I've been happier since then, but I think that this was when I started to blossom, the moment the wall of darkness around my heart began to crack and give way....

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The first thing she did when she brought an exhausted, nervous me with all of my luggage home with her that first night from the airport was sit down right behind me. She pulled my hair out of it's messy pony-tail and proceeded to brush it gently for about ten minutes. We didn't talk, she just brushed and I tried not to cry. I could feel each brush stroke radiate warmth over my entire body. I was here, I was safe and I was being touched. I couldn't remember the last time someone had just touched me, hugged me, loved me. I felt happy in a raw, hopeful sort of way. Later I was happiest in the car with her, holding hands while we both sang at the top of our lungs. She was as physically stunning as she was kind. People would turn to get a second glance because of her long, silky brown hair and her full breasts, but they'd keep staring because of her deep aqua-green eyes and friendly smile. It was as if she wore her kind heart on the outside, instead of keeping it tucked away and protected on the inside like everyone else. I loved looking at her. I never got over the amazement I felt when she'd reassure me that she was my home. I remember all the songs we sang those years together in Texas. Everytime I hear music from that time frame I'm reminded of her and it brings me mixed emotions. Mostly happiness and a little pain as all things seem to bring in life. We ate out at restuarants nearly every night. She was tired after cooking for her ex-husband seventeen years. She bought me new clothes, she dressed me like her little doll and every day felt like a celebration. We lived in a fantasy world, our own separate little fantasy worlds, but gosh was I ever happy. I wouldn't trade any of it for a minute.

Begin with "No Thank you," and see what flows....

2009-10-09T12:48:00.000-07:00

This is what came out of my pencil (the tool of my heart)

I've been letting go of some former friends this year. I've never really let go of people before now. I've always been the one to keep calling, keep sending cards, keep hanging on. I feel like in letting go I'm growing up, moving on.

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No thank you, I dont need one sided relationships anymore. I'm not going to be the only one who calls to check in, the only one who writes and the girl who sits there pathetically waiting for signs that you still care. My life is full of surface relationships and a few deeper, more connected friendships. I don't need to hang on to you just because I love you. I don't need to constantly remind you I care. Who said this was my life's duty anyway? No thank you.

I'm giving up, I'm letting you go. I crave the deeper connection we once experienced together, but I recognize that if I hang on to those who can no longer give back, there won't be room for future connections. I pray that by releasing these former soul mates, my own growing soul will have the room to embrace new ones. You have served a purpose in my life and have made an impact, I can only hope I've done the same for you. I will always love you for the person you once were, but I need to be seen now for the person I am today. I am only open to relationships with people who are able and willing to take the time to do that. I'm setting you free with the hopes that by sending you off with love more will return to me. If it doesn't, well I'll be okay anyway.

Thoughts on Halloween

2009-10-06T02:29:00.001-07:00

My little Vampire And my little cowboy

There is a tiny actress who lays curled up at the bottom of my heart. She's so small in comparison to the mother, the friend, the saboteur that she's rarely given a chance to rise up and play an active role in my life. Halloween has always been the one day I celebrate her, honor her and let her rise above all of the other clutter I carry within.October is my favorite month. It's like a month of foreplay with that inner actress. In the past I would start dreaming of costumes as early as August.

One year when I was thirteen I dressed as a pregnant, dead bride. I wore my mom's old wedding dress. She never seemed to care about it and had given it to me months before. I think I wore vampire fangs with that costume too, just because I like the way it felt when I slid my tongue back and forth across the little plastic points. In fact, I liked fangs so much that I dressed as a vampire on several Halloweens. It always seemed to make my costumes better. Sure, I could be a clown, but wouldn't it be better if I were a vampire clown?!! When I bought my fangs, I'd never get cheapy plastic molds that covered all of my teeth. I wanted the real deal, so instead I'd buy the fangs that came in a black, coffin shaped jewelry box. Inside two pearly fangs rested on top of a silky pillow, with paste to attach them to my teeth stored underneath. I think those fangs were about fifteen dollars, a good portion of my twenty dollar a week allowance. They were worth it though. I'd buy them again today if given an oppurtunity to dress up.

I wanted to dress up as a princess a couple of different times as a little girl, but that wasn't viewed as creative enough for my household. One year my mom agreed to the princess costume, but to make it more creative she stuck a big, sparkly white horse body on the princess pants. I remember feeling very impressed with that. It reminds me of the vampire clown theory. I wasn't just a princess, I was a "princess riding a horse." My favorite costume I've worn so far as an adult was little red riding hood. I wore a sexy little dress with thigh-high stockings and of course a hooded, red cape. I filled a basket with Halloween candy, covered it with a checker patterned cloth and passed treats out to all the drunks at our local gay bar. By the end of the night I'd had so many drinks bought for me, I'd danced with so many strangers that I had become one of the drunks. It was actually a pretty fun night, certainly memorable. These days I love dressing up the boys and taking them trick-or-treating, but that actress is still inside of me craving release.

What I thought was ugly (a writing exercise)

2009-10-04T23:56:00.000-07:00

Me, nine years ago.

My skin clammy and white stuck in disgusting clumps of fat all over my bones. I'd tilt my chin to the left then to the right, studying my full cheeks and my double chins. Pulling the flab on my thick arms, I hated myself. "Look at yourself, you fat bitch. You are so gross!" Tears would stream down my face as I looked at the piercing rage reflected in the mirror. "How can you even stand to go in public when you look like this? No wonder nobody wants you." These toxic words I'd once been told, all the hurt that had ever been inflicted on me had somehow wedged into my mind like a parasite. I'd become my own worst enemy. I'd screech in misery, fling myself on the bed. "I'm not going anywhere!" I'd call out.

Marian and Maxine would walk into the room all dressed up for our dinner out. They'd sigh, they'd stroke my back and Marian would press her lips against my ear. "You're beautiful," she'd coo. Her warm breath sent chills dancing all over my body. Eventually my crying would subside and I would join my friends on their outing. I was never really better. Even now nine years later, that voice will creep into my head and though I've learned how to manage it, there are times it's still a battle to silence it. I've never felt at home in this body, when I see myself in the mirror it's as if a stranger is staring back at me. Years ago I would have said the ugliest thing I'd ever seen was myself. Now I think the fact that I thought that is what's truly ugly. The fact that I even care about what this shell, what this body looks like drives me nuts. I wish I were stronger.

Remembering a time when I was alone~

2009-09-30T13:06:00.000-07:00

I was alone for about thirty minutes after giving birth to Jace. They moved me from the labor and delivery room to the room I was to spend the next twenty-four hours in. They kept Jace in the room he was born in longer to do whatever tests they do on new little babies. Michelle and Abby had left for the grocery store to get me some food. I'm always starving after I give birth, it's as if my body is instantly trying to replace the missing weight of the baby. Michelle's mom June stayed with Jace while the doctor's looked him over. It's her fondest memory of the whole birth. She gets these big smiles and her eyes light up whenever she tells anyone about those thirty minutes. "It was just me and him and he looked right into my eyes! I told him, Welcome to my world." Then she laughs her big belly laugh. So pleased with herself.

I was alone. Those thirty minutes were pure hell for me. Being away from my baby those first minutes drew out something primal in me. I could have climbed out of my skin with all the anxiety I felt. Where was my baby? What was taking them so long? I wanted to be able to see him, have more time to memorize his face. I still feel in the core of my being that it's wrong to take a new baby away from it's mother. That experience would make me choose to have a home birth if only we lived closer to a hospital.

Michelle and Abby made it back to me before Jace. "Where's the baby?" they asked.

"I don't know. He's been gone FOREVER!" I snapped.

Michelle went out of the room and like a hero came back moments later, pushing Jace's bassinet in front of her with her mom following close behind. "They kept him too long." I complained.

"Oh don't be ridiculous, they did not." June said with irritation, just dismissing my feelings. At that moment, I'd have given anything to kick that woman out of the room. A part of me wishes she hadn't had been there for the birth. She came with a cold, for crying out loud! She spins the story so it's all about her, her saving the day, her grandson. Every story she tells is the same. It's as if I wasn't even present for Jace's birth and if I was it was only to annoy her. If there's a next time, another birth. It WILL be different.

What did you learn from your father?~ Another writing topic

2009-09-29T23:06:00.000-07:00

My Daddy Bill taught me how to turn the lights on and off. I remember feeling small in his arms as he carried me around the house from light switch to light switch. I remember the scratchy, tickle of his mustache on my temple as I'd lean over and flick the switch up and then down, off-on, off-on. It took all of my concentration to get my fingers just right to make the switch work, then we were off speeding, whirling through the kitchen, the den, the garage, he let me practice with the lights in every room. I can remember the low echos of his laughter, feel the vibration of his words against my body, but his voice has become muddled as if it's under six feet of water in my mind. I doubt I'd be able to recognize his voice if I heard it now. If I look up in my memory, at the place where his face should be all I can see is a giant black smear, almost like a thumb print. I think it's a good visual for the smudge he left on so many hearts when he chose to end his life.

My Daddy Bill never got to graduate to the title of just dad. He missed all of my life, he didn't protect me, he didn't hug me and he certainly wasn't there to tell me he loved me. The lessons he taught me came from the pain he caused to everyone that ever cared about him when he commited suicide. Even those that didn't care all that much for him were left with a burden of guilt, the agonizing question,"I wonder if things would have been different if I'd talked to him?"

My older brother struggles with meth addiction and I haven't seen him in three years. During the times I've spent with him in the past he goes on and on about our father's suicide. Do I think it was a conspiracy? What do I remember seeing? Would I let him talk to my uncle who was also there? My father died twenty-five years ago, but my brother can talk as if it happened yesterday. He has all this rage and pain brewing inside of him that I don't think he'll ever be able to come to grips with. It's not all my father's fault, but I'd hate to even be partly responsible for the wounds my brother carries.

Ending my life, destroying other people's lives in the process has never been an option I'd think about. I don't care how bad things have been or get. I've had oppurtunities to try things like Meth and Coke, but I've never considered it. My Daddy Bill's life went down the tubes with that crap and I have learned from his mistakes. Those are the only things he left behind for me to learn.

A memory of my mother ~

2009-09-29T15:38:00.000-07:00

~I remember my mother's feet pressed against my tummy, sturdy as a board. I was an airplane clinging to her fingers as she pushed me further and further away. "Be brave," she'd say. "Just let go" I could smell the fruity gum she chewed as she blew bubbles giant and pink, hear her laughter as she'd snap up the bubble like an alligator just as I got close enough to crush a sticky mess onto her lips.

Tell me about a time you ate Salmon ~ Another writing excercise~

2009-09-29T15:35:00.000-07:00

Michelle is so good at keeping me fed and happy with healthy food. Cooking is a passion for her, she loves coming up with new things and knowing just what the boys and I will like or not like before we've even had a bite of a new food.
I remember we went to see Cirque du soleil for our anniversary after Jaxon was born. He was about twelve weeks old and I was not even close to the point of being ready to leave him with a sitter. She'd actually talked about buying the tickets when I was still pregnant with him and I'd said absolutely not. She talked me into it, she said we'd be dying for a break from our new baby by the time the actual concert rolled around. She was wrong. Leaving him and the way I'd feel about it was all I thought about for a week before the day finally came. We left him with Michelle's mother. I was still nursing, but we'd begun supplementing with formula so we knew he would be fine in someone else's care.

I remember I didn't want to offend Michelle's mom and she just didn't have any comprehension of how hard it would be for me to leave my baby for a few hours. I kissed him several times, breathing in his scent, savoring it, and then started crying as soon as I was in the car. I cried half the way to the Merrymoor State Park (where the concert was being held) what if we got into an accident and I never saw him again, what if Michelle's mom put him to bed with a blanket and he suffocated? All kinds of irrational thoughts raced through my head and I let them spin until I was spent and numb with exhaustion. I grabbed Michelle's hand and I squeezed. I would try to have a good time.

Michelle had packed us a picnic basket full of different kinds of crackers, cream cheese, apples, smoked salmon and a bottle of wine. She's packed this basket with the same foods on several little romantic outings and it always feels special. It's our tool for reconnection. We took an hour at a picnic table with our meal, basking in each other's company, talking about our new little baby and sipping wine. She said she thought I was a good mother. I remember being so impressed that she thought that. It was still so hard to believe I really was a mother. I really had a baby of my own at home, a family. I told her she was a good mother too and in that moment leaving the baby for the evening seemed to have been just what we needed.

Now I want some smoked salmon. *sigh*

Tell me everything you know about coffee~~

2009-09-29T15:26:00.001-07:00

This is my response to the exercise.
I miss the way I used to drink coffee with good conversation and a cloud of cigarette smoke. My earliest memory of coffee is paired with the memories of bleach blonde hair, black roots and the parched, cracked heels of my grandmother. I remember she'd eat a danish in the morning and sip on sandy colored cups of coffee for the rest of the day. Her coffee was so sweet it was a dessert in it's self. When I was little she'd sometimes let me drink some from her cup. She never once spouted out the blurb about how it would stunt my growth.

When I was fourteen I saw her again after not being allowed to see her for nine years. One of the first things we did was light up cigarettes and she made me a warm cup of coffee just like the ones I'd remembered her drinking. We stayed up late catching up on the past. The coffee swirling in our mouths somehow made our memories so much sweeter than the truth.
I drink over a half a pot of coffee a day now. I like it rich and bold, a strong french roast feeding fuel to my tired veins. I don't put any dessert creams or sugar in it, just a tablespoon of half and half. I'd love to say I don't need the false syrupy, sweetness like I did in the days I drank coffee with Grandma, but the truth is I don't want to get fat again. I'd rather eat than drink my calories.

Coffee's just not the same anymore. Without the conversation and the smooth cigarette resting between my fingers, coffee is just a beverage, no longer a link to a place that almost felt like home.

I CAN do this!

2009-09-28T11:16:00.000-07:00

I write. That is what I do, but this whole blog thing seems overwhelming. I think really, I've got to just give it a go. The last time I said that was February, but this time..I really mean it.

I have been writing with six women every day. We write for ten minutes to various topics. Currently the topics are being provided by a book called "Old friend from Far away," by Natalie Goldberg(Love it, love her, pick it up if you get the chance). It's all memoir writing. You're given a topic, you put your pen on the paper and there's no telling how far you'll dig and where you'll wind up. I've been surprised several times just where I've gone with the topic. I think I'll share some of those as I write them.

If you feel inspired to write as well, please do so. Share your work, read it out loud. It's a validation of being alive. Or at least it is for me. I'm alive, I'm here. I am love and so are you.

2009-02-22T00:53:00.000-08:00

I think I've been inspired to create a blog.