let there be light...

One evening a week or so ago I sat by myself in my bedroom quietly organizing some clutter on a bookshelf. At least that's what I was telling myself I was doing as I moved piles of paper and pictures from one pile to another, organization wasn't really present and neither was I. I sat slouched, a long sigh in it's visual form when suddenly I was struck with the thought/voice, "all you need is some sun. Everything will feel better once you get yourself in the light."

We've had gray, Washington state skies for weeks now. Usually I don't mind it, I know the rain is exactly what makes things green and healthy around here. I appreciate green, it's the color of life.

But it was the light...the light I felt like the sky brought just for me and my boys the next day that helped me once again appreciate the magic of my life.

Let's try this again...

I've felt so disconnected lately, so detached from the beautiful moments of my daily life. My father-in-law has cancer, I blame that for my lack of presence in my household. My partner is stressed, the mood of the house rises and falls in a shift of stress and emotions and I...well I disappear. I'm famous for this really, detaching. it was a survival mechanisim at one point and now it's something I don't know how to turn off. I don't know how to get back. I'm going to try writing more again, it seems to ground me.
I have this tattered, smoke damaged picture of my mother I keep face down in a frame on the shelf in my bedroom. I keep it face down because I wouldn't want to be caught off guard by her eyes. I do pick it up from time to time though, ask her things, try to find pieces of myself in her face and to pray. I have it upright now, staring out at me every time I go into the bedroom, a reminder to be here in this life, to stay present.
I'm lucky to be here, lucky to be living this life. Lucky to have to only make effort to stay present. She doesn't get that oppurtunity anymore. I hope seeing her face every day makes a difference.