Remembering a moment of happiness~

I was surprised that this was what first came to mind with the prompt, "Tell me about a time you were happy." I've been happier since then, but I think that this was when I started to blossom, the moment the wall of darkness around my heart began to crack and give way....

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The first thing she did when she brought an exhausted, nervous me with all of my luggage home with her that first night from the airport was sit down right behind me. She pulled my hair out of it's messy pony-tail and proceeded to brush it gently for about ten minutes. We didn't talk, she just brushed and I tried not to cry. I could feel each brush stroke radiate warmth over my entire body. I was here, I was safe and I was being touched. I couldn't remember the last time someone had just touched me, hugged me, loved me. I felt happy in a raw, hopeful sort of way. Later I was happiest in the car with her, holding hands while we both sang at the top of our lungs. She was as physically stunning as she was kind. People would turn to get a second glance because of her long, silky brown hair and her full breasts, but they'd keep staring because of her deep aqua-green eyes and friendly smile. It was as if she wore her kind heart on the outside, instead of keeping it tucked away and protected on the inside like everyone else. I loved looking at her. I never got over the amazement I felt when she'd reassure me that she was my home. I remember all the songs we sang those years together in Texas. Everytime I hear music from that time frame I'm reminded of her and it brings me mixed emotions. Mostly happiness and a little pain as all things seem to bring in life. We ate out at restuarants nearly every night. She was tired after cooking for her ex-husband seventeen years. She bought me new clothes, she dressed me like her little doll and every day felt like a celebration. We lived in a fantasy world, our own separate little fantasy worlds, but gosh was I ever happy. I wouldn't trade any of it for a minute.

Begin with "No Thank you," and see what flows....

This is what came out of my pencil (the tool of my heart)

I've been letting go of some former friends this year. I've never really let go of people before now. I've always been the one to keep calling, keep sending cards, keep hanging on. I feel like in letting go I'm growing up, moving on.

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No thank you, I dont need one sided relationships anymore. I'm not going to be the only one who calls to check in, the only one who writes and the girl who sits there pathetically waiting for signs that you still care. My life is full of surface relationships and a few deeper, more connected friendships. I don't need to hang on to you just because I love you. I don't need to constantly remind you I care. Who said this was my life's duty anyway? No thank you.

I'm giving up, I'm letting you go. I crave the deeper connection we once experienced together, but I recognize that if I hang on to those who can no longer give back, there won't be room for future connections. I pray that by releasing these former soul mates, my own growing soul will have the room to embrace new ones. You have served a purpose in my life and have made an impact, I can only hope I've done the same for you. I will always love you for the person you once were, but I need to be seen now for the person I am today. I am only open to relationships with people who are able and willing to take the time to do that. I'm setting you free with the hopes that by sending you off with love more will return to me. If it doesn't, well I'll be okay anyway.