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My skin clammy and white stuck in disgusting clumps of fat all over my bones. I'd tilt my chin to the left then to the right, studying my full cheeks and my double chins. Pulling the flab on my thick arms, I hated myself. "Look at yourself, you fat bitch. You are so gross!" Tears would stream down my face as I looked at the piercing rage reflected in the mirror. "How can you even stand to go in public when you look like this? No wonder nobody wants you." These toxic words I'd once been told, all the hurt that had ever been inflicted on me had somehow wedged into my mind like a parasite. I'd become my own worst enemy. I'd screech in misery, fling myself on the bed. "I'm not going anywhere!" I'd call out.
Marian and Maxine would walk into the room all dressed up for our dinner out. They'd sigh, they'd stroke my back and Marian would press her lips against my ear. "You're beautiful," she'd coo. Her warm breath sent chills dancing all over my body. Eventually my crying would subside and I would join my friends on their outing. I was never really better. Even now nine years later, that voice will creep into my head and though I've learned how to manage it, there are times it's still a battle to silence it. I've never felt at home in this body, when I see myself in the mirror it's as if a stranger is staring back at me. Years ago I would have said the ugliest thing I'd ever seen was myself. Now I think the fact that I thought that is what's truly ugly. The fact that I even care about what this shell, what this body looks like drives me nuts. I wish I were stronger.
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I think you were just as beautiful then as you are now. It is really sad but yes the world does make us think that we are suppose to all look a certain way. I also feel we all have insecurity's no matter what we look like. I know for a fact that even models have insecurity's!! I grew up feeling like I looked ugly and awkward for a very long time because I grew up with two brothers and had some half sisters but they were not around much. my mom just wasnt into girly stuff. I mean I played with barbies and stuff but only wore a dress once in a while. Anyways I grew up as a tomboy for the longest time. Boys wanted nothing to do with me until after high school. Truth is I think I was harder on myself then the rest of the world now looking back and still am. I think its great you are happy with who you are and have found acceptance with yourself and love yourself.
ReplyDeleteOh, Sarah.
ReplyDeleteI feel so odd saying, I never knew. like you had a disease or something, but this blows me away.
i am all for self acceptance, and i do wish i had more, but i also want to respect my body and love my body, and treat it with things like salad and fruit and all the good stuff I can get into it.
I want to take care of it and hope it sees me through a long life.
You are, and always have been, beautiful, Sarah. Your inner beauty is irresistible. Through life's experiences, your children, your mate, you have begun to learn to love yourself. Therein lies a part of your personal growth.
ReplyDeleteThis was a shocker for me. I am so glad you shared this. I have felt this way most of my life. And now at the age of 30 am just starting to crack the shell into self acceptance. So you are leaps and bounds ahead of me. You are such an amazing person. I love to read all you blogs and of course your flickr pictures. I have never met you but thru all you share I feel like I know you.I look forward to new pictures and blogs daily. We have many things in common. You are so strong. I have purchased the book you suggested for daily writing and can't wait for it to arrive. I am looking forward to it.
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